The next big thing.

I like to make goals. lists. pieces of paper, or writings on a computer to remind me what my focus needs to be on, why I'm doing what I am doing.

1. Do not call Kevin or initiate communication with Kevin until tuesday (more on that later)
2. Develop a more organized weightlifting plan
3. Finish my house projects... stain the deck, finish the garden, put together the patio table & hang the large mirror over the couch
4. Start getting excited about my eventual return to road races
5. Focus on clean eating, counting points, and staying in control

Strangely, 5 has been easier since I feel so out of control with relationship right now. Having control over what I put into my body makes me feel as though I can control something. I can control my eating, my weight, my health. My roomate and I are going shopping later to help us avoid wanting to call our men (she has trouble with hers too). I will sit down and write out a lifting plan and post to here later. Raining out today, but I guess I could try to hang the mirror. I had been waiting for Kevin to hang it up, but oh well.

As far as racing is concerned, my friend Amy has been trying to get a group of us together to run in Niagra Falls in October. I know my foot will not be ready for a half by then. Im thinking maybe a 5k or 10k. I love Half marathons though. well, not entirely. I hate training long runs, I hate feeling like I may die before I finish haha but I love the sense of accomplishment afterwards. I am looking forward to doing the Disney full in 2012 & a sprint triathalon at some point but no solid plans. I have been googling races that might be fun, and my eyes are set here:

Fort Lauderdale A1A marathon & half marathon

The run is mostly along the coast, and there are so many fun things to do in the area, I think it could be a lot of fun. Mayyybe I could convince some other friends to come with me & do the run. We've become quite the running group, except us all living in different states/areas makes it harder.

Wow, I write long entries. Well, a quick update on the Kevin situation. I was at the gym yesterday morning and only lasted 15 min, I started having an anxiety attack & couldn't breathe. I left. Called him in the parking lot. no answer. I went to his house. he was home. I rang the doorbell 3 times, called once & left a message then left. He called me back around 11ish, we talked for a little. I ignored everyones advice because I was just feeling so devastated, I felt like I HAD to see him, talk about things & what was going on. He came over around 3ish and didn't leave till after 5. We talked a lot, how much we love each other, and why he really wants this break. Next thing I knew, we ended up in bed. mistake? maybe. I know I'm feeling a lot better after. He said he was glad we talked. He just needed to make sure this is really what he wants before he jumps in. He said he wants to talk again soon, he has class monday, so we decided tuesday. Now I just need to stick to my guns and avoid initiating communication so he realizes how much he misses me/us. wish me luck, on everything.

I wish I could run it all away......

If only I could run right now! I would run away my sadness, frustration, and negative feelings. Since I can't I've just been crying. I thought I could be a strong person and tell him I didn't want him back until he knew he was 100% ready to marry me. But I can't. I love him so much, these past 4 days have been torture. We talked a little today, he hopefully is coming over later.

Tonight I am planning on going out for drinks with some coworkers and plan on spending a decent chunk of points on booze. love it. Last night roomie & I went to sit outside & listen to music at a local restaurant.  I didn't eat any of her nachos, go me!

As far as my foot is concerned. I Had bunion surgery about 7 weeks ago. Prior to my surgery I had been having killer pain at the bunion, having difficulty with running. The surgery has eliminated my pain (awesome!) but the incision has been slow to heal. I've been out of work for 7 weeks, and at least another 2. Yesterday I got up to 3.0 on the treadmill for a few minutes. My walking has been starting to look more normal. I haven't stayed at the gym very long the past few days because I was ready to burst into tears, or hyperventilate with anxiety.

I managed to make a healthy dinner last night & go shopping for some fruit. I am trying to keep myself in good condition. I hope all goes well today....

Rough time....

So the past few days have been horrible.

I have been attempting to pick out a wedding date with Kevin since we have been engaged over a year. This has been a hot topic for awhile. Thursday we discussed things and we said wed have a follow up after the weekend. We had a great weekend, he stayed over almost every night. Tuesday night I made us dinner as usual, and after kissing, dinner etc. He said he couldn't make me suffer any more while he made a decision. That he wanted to marry me, but the timing wasn't right.  He just doesn't think he's ready for the responsibility of marriage yet. He took back my ring.  Then he called that night and we discussed things for 3 hours. exhausting & emotional. He called and came over last night.  He apologized for his behavior & gave the ring back. I took it, but told him I didn't want to be with him if he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me. He said he just wants some time to figure everything out. I told him I will not wait forever. I cried a lot. I told him everything I'll miss about us. Snuggling in his armpit, dinner & ghost adventure nights, red sox games, kisses, more Im sure i cant remember.  He said he just needed to go think & left. I haven't talked to him since last night.

I am very proud of myself for avoiding emotional eating. I have still made good choices, tracked my food & even hit the gym. (my foot is a story for another day) I had a loss of 2.5 today for WI! so that was some good news.

I am really hoping he figures himself and his personal issues i know he needs to work on. I want nothing more than us to be together and happy.....